After a few days of feeling recovered from my surgery and not feeling too bad other wise I woke up yesterday morning feeling tired but ready for my full day at Robert Burridge’s workshop. So focus on the workshop I don’t recall feeling tired or achy, although after about 1 pm, I started getting really clumsy. I kept tripping on nothing, and even falling down here and there, dropping paint brushes and other things. By the time four o’clock came around I was shaky and oh so tired. Driving home I realized how much my body was aching head to toe. When I was a few miles from home I just felt like giving up. I felt like pulling over on the side of the road and crying. It was effort to keep my focus on the road and keep my hands working on the steering wheel.
When I got home I knew I had work to do and no energy left to do it with. I felt that if I laid down for a moment that would be it and I wouldn’t get back up, at least for the night. So I rallied my energy and strength and worked as hard as I could to finish packing my work bag for tonight, as well as some additional stuff for Burridges workshop. Luckily Tim came home and finished the packing for me and loaded the car. By that time I couldn’t make it upstairs myself and actually needed help getting into bed. I can’t remember the last time my psoriatic arthritis hurt so badly. I took some medication and got a massage, and just lay there half asleep for a couple of hours. My family all then joined me for dinner in bed, which was a real sweet gesture. I feel asleep shortly after dinner and woke up with a migraine but feeling a world better.
Today is going to be busier than yesterday, I will be leaving the workshop early to go teach my own art classes. I must remember to drink plenty of coffee today to assist the adrenaline I will have from the excitement of seeing some of my favorite little ones in class today.
It will be a hard busy week physically, but I am sure once I get through it, it will be great for my spirit, knowing I can do what feels to be absolutely impossible; And yet, its less than most people do everyday. Its very clear to me that if I had to depend on my own income I wouldn’t have the luxury of working part time, nor the health for a full time job, but I would be one of those people some of my friends look down on, who must live on a monthly disability welfare payment. I would say to those people who judge others as weak or lazy or parasites that it is hard enough to live a life with a chronic illness but being judged by others can increase the depression and feelings of worthlessness and shame that we always deal with daily.