Yesterday was a big day for me. I stayed home resting until about one then ran a couple of errand before class. By the time my kids arrived for class I was energized. I am so fortunate to have a job that I can plan my energy around and that I get so excited about that my body always seems to rally itself without fail. I managed wonderfully all through class and didn’t even feel a bit of pain or tiredness until I was cleaning up. By the time I got home I was exhausted and limping, which often happens, but feeling satisfied at another few hours spent changing the world in tiny ways. Normally I would have limped up to bed and dinner would have magically appeared but that was not an option last night. Last night was Halloeen. On Halloween we have a family tradition of hosting a party for friends, neighbors and family in our driveway.
I pulled up and was delighted to find my husband and son had already decorated, got out the bbq, and tables, and had the whole thing ready to go. My husband had even set up a candy passing out area for me, so I could feel like I was helping and not do too much. It was so great to see old friends that I hadn’t seen in way too long drop in. My grandmother and Dad and Janet had adorable costumes, and my son’s band played to a crowd of teenagers and mothers. I got to see my favorite little babies, and held them inspite of the pain my body was in. I often felt like crying my body hurt so badly, but I experience pain all the time, and if I went and laid down the pain would continue, so I tried not to do too much, but enjoy the gift of friendship and love that surrounded me. Too often I stay home because of pain, thinking if I drop in for a just a little, and am subdued because of pain, that I will just ruin the party. Last night taught me that pain or not, my loved ones are happy to see me, and even those who have known me a long time, are perfectly fine that I am not the life the party.
For a while now I have not been able to hike and workout and my body, which was on the chubby side to begin with is certainly showing it. I miss my outings with nature. I miss my clothes fitting. I miss not being able to do as much volunteer as I used to do.
Yet right now I am excited about the things I can do and the oppurtunity I have. I have a job that only requires short bursts of energy that I can plan for in advance, that in some way or the other touches my heart each day I am there. I have family and friends that love and support me, no matter if I am healthy or not. I have a rare golden oppurtunity right now of opening an art studio/gallery with my partner in an artsy town, that we will be making as comfortable as possible with my illness in mind, so that being in the studio won’t be any harder on my body than being at home. Comeplete with a sofa and blankets in back, so if I get really bad I just need to close the doors and turn off the lights and get some rest.
Right now my body feels like it has been hit by a truck. It hurts no matter how I move it or not move it. But my heart and head is filled with love, satisfaction and the glow of oppurtunity, knowing that this life is worth living, no matter what my limitations and pain intensity.