I haven’t written lately, because to me it just seems like its gong to be a list of complaints, since I seem to never have good days anymore. If my arthritis isn’t too bad, my migraines or horrid, and my asthma is controlling what I do on a daily basis. I dread the question how are you. If I say “fine” then I am a flake when asked to do something I can not do, because I am really not fine at all. If I answer honestly, then I feel like i am whining.
I am fine. In that I am alive, and fully expect to be so tomorrow and the next day. But everyday its something and I feel like shaking my fist at the universe and screaming for it to stop. My asthma has been bad and limiting for 6 months now. I can’t dance, I can’t hike, even things like a visit to the grocery store feel like a test for survival. I carry around an inhaler like its a new born child I don’t want to lose track of. It wears me out and I never know when an attack will hit. I have been on maximum meds which have made the round person I am, swell up like a rounder balloon. The sizes of my wrists amaze me. I am mistaken as pregnant, and my shoes don’t fit. Another side effect of the asthma is my slipping rib syndrome has become worse by 10 fold. I wake up yelping in pain as I move or stretch in my sleep and dislocate ribs. Speed bumps, sneezing, plugging in my computer, brushing my teeth, making dinner, are all activities that can dislocate my ribs. At least four or five times a day i am writhing in pain just from that one issue. And all that from just the asthma.
Then I have my migraines. I am currently in the embrace of a two week migraine. Sometimes its impossible to get out of bed. Sounds hurt, lights hurt, laughter hurts and just being hurts. Last night it caused the worst nausea in years. Usually I am sick once with a migraine at the most. Last night I threw up for hours, and the pain and nausea both stayed around to keep me company.
I haven’t even touched on the psoriatic arthritis yet. Part of me wants to say its not so bad. I can walk. I can use my hands. Most all the time. Until I cant. I still have the heart pain as my main issue. But I was fortunate enough to develop a new symptom, or more a worsening of an old one. Tendon Cramps. Imagine a pinched sciatic nerve, then imagine someone slicing your leg open from him to toe, then image them taking a hammer to your toes. Thats the best I can do to describe this fun new pain. Sometimes its just in a leg, hand or foot. It might make me yelp a bit, but I can manage. Sometimes it hits my arm, foot, leg, hand, all at once and makes me whine and writhe…and….dislocate a rib while doing so.
Add all those things together and I might get a little cranky. I am really trying not to. So much of me wants to crawl into bed and stay there. But hey, I have a life to live and obligations to others. I have a job I love, work I am committed to, and friends worse of than me I need to try to find the time for. I am trying to do at least one thing a day, whether it be teach a class, the farmers market with a friend, or carpooling the kids around. Somedays that one thing is 30 minutes of tv with my daughter, or posting a photo on instagram, or feeding my cat. (don’t worry, she gets feed either way)
I needed a good rant. And really didn’t want to trap anyone in the corner while I ranted. Thanks wordpress for letting me rant. And for those who wish to offer advice, I have probably already tried it, but I appreciate your efforts.