So I do all I can to manage my Arthritis, and don’t drink, so that I can take what I need to take to manage my migraines, then have to watch my diet, so not to aggravate something else, and as soon as I get one thing nearly under control, an new thing pops up. It just seems like its the way my body is. I guess I am lucky, I have never had to deal with anything terminal. But boy, the pain can be overwhelming. I was having a great weekend, finally a couple days of breathing almost ok. Don’t get me wrong, I will still having to use an inhaler a bit too often, and taking more medicine for some unknown condition than anyone should have to, but I could get through my day and fake being a normal person, that felt awesome. I haven’t been able to do that in months. Halfway through my day nausea hit. I had woke with a migraine, so passed it onto that, I am used to ignoring “symptoms”. An hour later unmistakable pain in my left flank, I had to leave work and drive myself to the ER, sure I had a kidney stone. I did have a tiny kidney stone, but the ER doctor was sure the pain was caused by something I didn’t have three months ago, a cyst in my Kidney. This has kept me writhing in pain on the days that I can breathe, but luckily it doesn’t seem to all strike at once. My pain seems to take turns, Arthritis, migraine, kidney, breathing, ribs, sciatica, migraine. Lucky me. It’s just the body I have. The thing is…I have been waiting. My whole life.
I have spent my life waiting for the day I would be healthy. I think its time I come to terms I will never have a healthy body. My body is a lemon. Hey…I will live with it. It works…kinda. The heart keeps beating, the brain is kinda awesome, the blood keeps pumping, the nerves work, it could be so much worse. It doesn’t need to go to some junk yard, there is no replacement body. I will keep doing what I can to take care of it. But I am going to stop waiting for it to be another body. A perfect body. Maybe it was environmental, not having proper nutritional as a child, or something I was exposed to, or just genetic, I may never know why, but its time for me to start having some acceptance. I don’t mean giving up. I still will continue my fight to be as healthy as possible. But I am going to stop waiting to be healthy.
I went to Europe last Spring, I took a 18 hour plan ride with fear of a kidney stone, I had asthma attacks weather in French castles or super clean dutch homes, one day I was in so much pain I sat and cried in a street where I could not speak the language, until I could pull myself together and fit a seat in a cafe until I felt well enough to walk. I could have waited until I was all better, but I just waited until I was better enough. I had a friend say the other day that I was lucky, that when I was better I get to go back to a normal life. The thing is, this is my normal life. My normal life is one of shoddy health. And she is right too, I am lucky. I know a lot of my friends are waiting for me to get better. Waiting until I can go dancing again, waiting until I can travel, waiting until I can go out and have fun. I have a few friends who aren’t waiting. A very few who are my friends anyways. I love all my friends, but those who aren’t waiting, who love me as I am, sick and all, I am learning from you. I am going to stop waiting too. Its time for me to start loving me as I am.