Well it seems like the remicade is working, but I have been having such a flare up its leaving me a bit beat up and depressed. I am dreaming of the days I used to hike a few times a week. Just small hikes, under three miles all, but manageable, even on pain days. These days, driving to work, and walking out the door seem almost more pain wise than a person should be able to handle. At the same time the migraines are also hitting me nearly daily again, giving more credence to the theory that they are both related.
I know my weight isn’t helping the pain, no one in pain needs to carry around an extra 50 lbs, but pain doesn’t help me manage a compulsive eating disorder either. It was easy to hide an eating disorder when my days consisted of 5 to 7 hours of physical activity every day, but now when getting dressed in the morning takes half my energy for the day, exercise seems like a luxury I may never have again. I actually feel like I am mostly in control of the eating issues lately, as many meals out I split, and I have mostly avoided mindless empty calorie snacking, and make better dietary choices for the most part. I bring up the eating disorder because I know I am at risk from just moving from one to the other. When I see myself in the mirror lately, my first thought is I have to start purging. How else can I get this weight off? I have tried expensive diet plans in the past, and just self control and they just leave me depressed and any weight I lose gets put right back on as soon as I have to take steroids. The dietary lifestyle choices I have made obviously aren’t enough. I know bulimia isn’t an answer to anything, but its something I have struggled on and off with when I get very stressed out in the past. Maybe its just a way to have control somehow over something. Amazingly enough I seem to have lost my appetite for the first time in my life these past few days, so maybe that will all take care of itself with some luck.
I have been trying to manage the pain and depression productively. Painting it out like I do migraines, and oddly enough losing myself in data entry with the books for work seems to give me someplace to focus except for the pain. I have been taking Aleve daily, and I am grateful my doctor doesn’t through pain pills at the arthritis because I would be tempted to numb my mind and take them. I have some friends who smoke or eat pot for pain who have been trying to convince me. But I don’t think I can every get over my issues with pot. I have seen it ruin too many peoples lives and destroy all their ambition. I know taking it for pain is different,and I am all for legalizing it for any purpose, but I have have a repulsion towards it I don’t think I can get over.
On the plus side my paintings have taken a more creative expressive turn. Are they any good? It’s nearly impossible for an artist to see these things objectively, especially when they are new borns. But they are good for me, pure expression and something to focus on besides pain.